I suffer from chronic unemployment.
In an attempt to remedy the situation, I applied for a job at a new restaurant called Alexander's Grill and Bar. That was December. Two weeks ago, I got a phone call that told me to "come in for orientation tomorrow."
Appropriately, I sent about 25 "I GOT A JOB!" texts.
I arrived at 2:47 p.m. for my 3 p.m. appointment (good first impressions, eh?). I walked into a smoky bar and sat down next to two girls who didn't seem to be falling victim to the same deer-in-the-headlights thing I was going through.
A younger guy, probably mid-20s, sits down next to us - smoking, naturally - and spends 15 minutes explaining "Alexander's basics": A dot of ink on your uniform and you will be sent home.
Yes, we inspect you before your shifts.
We will take out any earrings that extend 1" beyond your bottom-most earlobe.
Three rings total allowed.
No more than two on one hand.
Two bracelets and one watch maximum.
If you're going to paint your nails, paint them right.
A single chip in your polish and it's goodbye for the day.
Don't work here if you ever plan on wearing fake nails.
If I see your pants dragging even slightly, it's home for you.
Dirty shoes? Go home (and wash them).
At this point, my eyes were watering (surprisingly not because of the terrifying manner in which he briefed us, but the cigarette smoke being blown into them).
I think it should go without saying what I felt like I was being inducted into as indicated by heavy smoking, clear Italian origins and the entire family sitting through orientation with us.
A suddern turn of events took place. He started off by saying "we brought you all down here so all of our 400 applicants would have a fair chance.
"...but you are all underqualified. If you were to serve next to her (points to a woman I'm assuming is his mother), she would look like a shining star and you would look like a blob of nothingness. We'd have to fire you. So we're not going to put you all through that. Sorry you wasted your time coming out here today."
...Anyone want to go to Alexander's with me and compain obnoxiously and endlessly about the service?